In life, some periods are more stagnant and some require stretching and growing pains. A couple years ago, following our two miscarriages, was a period of some of my greatest emotional pain. At the same time, it was also one of those times in my life where I learned what desperation really is. I was desperate for God and desperate for His healing. I was in so much pain and couldn't see my way through to even put one foot in front of the other for simple things, and I knew that my only chance of recovery was hiding in Christ.
The last couple weeks have begun another period of painful stretching. Some of it is the practical kind, like learning the logistics of two children. I can't lie. I frequently feel lost when it comes to being a mother. I love my girls and try hard to do what's best for them, but some days I just don't know. It's a continual need to seek God's guidance in how I am to raise them. H1 is a bundle of challenging energy, and add in her adorable and busy little sister, it's turned into a real juggling act. The two of them really know how to play off of each other! Their energy has kept me in a pretty much constant state of exhaustion, which brings me to the rest of that painful stretching.
A few weeks ago I began attending a Breaking Free Bible study at my church. Somehow or the other, I managed to get this far in life without working my way through a Beth Moore Bible study (and considering I have not only grown up in the church but also attended Liberty, which uses her curriculum in a lot of things, that's pretty impressive). It would figure that God would decide that one of the most physically exhausting times of my life is the time He would choose to deal with one of my greatest areas of weakness. There's no getting around it. I have a temper, and it's a bad one. Anyone who has known me long has most likely seen at least a glimpse of it. My dad would tell you that I have an "intense" personality anyways, and the temper on top of it makes it interesting. I fly off the handle easily. I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember. I don't remember a time where it hasn't been an issue for me. Now, I feel like God is telling me that this has to be dealt with. So step by step, day by day, moment by moment, that ball has begun to roll. It hurts. I'm having to confront issues that are really uncomfortable, but I know I have to continue. Working through this is something that my family needs me to do, and God has made that very clear.
Growing pains. It's a part of maturing, right? Deep breath. Here we go.